You Have Owl Mail
by fuzzy-grapes
Summary: This is based on a story that got removed, Harry Potter and the Internet. However, this time it has nothing to do with the internet...


AUTHORS NOTE:

This story was sadly deleted earlier because ffnet decided that it was against the rules to have the characters communicating by email. And it was also my fault for not reading the rules properly enough. So, I have changed this. The idea is extremely complicated to grasp (unlike the simple idea of EMAIL). You see, the owl post people decided that someone could send owls to a group owl-mail address. Owl mail is sort of like email except WITHOUT ANY ELECTRONIC DEVICES AT ALL! Therefore, I am not breaking or bending any rules. : ) WARNING: Take seriously at own risk!

Chapter 1: This Chapter is dedicated to All Those Who Have Trouble Finding the Space Bar on the Computer Keyboard

From: Fred and George Weasly

To: The Order of the Phoenix (Albus Dumbledore, Dedalus Diggle Emmeline Vance Remus Lupin Sturgis Podmore, Reubus Hagrid, Elphias Doge, Aberforth Dumbledore, Sirius Black , Alistair Moody, Nymphadora Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Hestia Jones, Severus Snape, Mundungus Fletcher, Arthur Weasly, Molly Weasly, Bill Weasly, Charlie Weasly, Arabella Fig, Minerva Mcgonagall, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasly, Ginny Weasly)

Subject: Our Foolproof Plan

Message: Hey Harry, Hermione, Ginny and ickle little Ronnikins. So, we have just found out how the Order of the Phoenix communicates – through owl-mail! Great idea to add our names to the group owl-mail thing, Hermione! We'll let you test our new Animal Snacks (they turn you into an animal for a few seconds – remember our Canary Creams?). Anyway, as long as we all check our email, we'll be able to tell what the Order is doing during all of their long and boring meetings that we are not able to attend…..

From: hermionegranger

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Our Foolproof Plan

Message: THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA! Well, I suppose it was in the beginning, however, I didn't actually mean we should actually go through with it. WE ARE GOING TO GET INOT SO MUCH TROUBLE IF WE'RE FOUND OUT! And, about the Canary Creams? No thanks. I have better things to do with my life.

From: ginnyweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Calm down, Hermione

Message: Calm down! We're not going to get found out. Why should we? Actually, I'm surprised that the Order is using these non-electronic devices to communicate. You know dad. He had trouble using the TELEPHONE! Computers are way more complex!

From: ronweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: howdoyouusethisthing/

Message: iunderstandthekeyboardpartbuthowareyousupposedtogetspacesbetweenthewords/andhowdoyougetquestionmarks/iclickedonthebuttonwiththequestionmarksignonitbutitjustdoesthis/pleasehelpme

From: harrypotter

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: howdoyouusethisthing/

Message: You know the big long bar on the keyboard? That's the spacebar, Ron. To Fred and George: I haven't gotten any messages about the Order's meetings yet. Are you sure this is going to work? I was looking forward to finding out what Snape is doing for the Order.

From: hermionegranger

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: howdoyouusethisthing/

Message: I have attached an information booklet on using this non-electronic device to this Owl-Mail. It has a diagram of the keyboard and includes complete instructions for typing, using the internet, etcetera. Are you sure this 'Foolproof Plan' is working, Fred and George? Because I, like Harry, haven't been getting any emails from the Order.

From: ronweasley

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: Re: howdoyouusethisthing/

Message: whatisanattachment/howdoyouusethem/

From: fredandgeorgeweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Rejoice! We have finally found a Weasly with less technological experience than dad!

Message: Ickle Ronnikins, Ickle Ronnikins, Ickle Ronnikins. Have we taught you nothing? We have lived in the same house together for your whole life and, while Ginny and us understand how to use non-electronic devices, you don't. This is a very sad fact. From now on, you are no longer related to us. Who are you, anyway?

From: hermionegranger

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Rejoice! W have finally found a….

Message: You all live in the same house! Why don't you go to Ron's room and SHOW him how to use the non-electronic device! Am I the only one who bothers to think around here?

From: ginnyweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: Rejoice! We have finally found a….

Message: Yes.

From: harrypotter

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Rejoice! We have finally found a….

Message: Um, Hermione? At this point in time we are all living at the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Why don't you just go and help Ron if you're so determined?

From: ronweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Thanks sooooo much, Hermione

Message: I was being sarcastic. Honestly, the attachment was called 'Using Non-Electronic Devices for Dummies'. Again, thanks soooooo much. Really. Anyway, after I learnt to use the computer (stop giggling, Ginny) I went on the internet. It's totally cool! I went on this site called google and another one called neopets and I met people! You guys should try it some time!

From: internetidentitystealer

TO: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: WIN FREE PRIZES!

Message: Give me your bank account number, ATM pin code, credit card number and personal information and you will win lots of riches!

From: hermionegranger

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: RON!

Message: RON! HAVE YOU BEEN GIVING OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION ON THE INTERNET! AND ALL OUR OWL-MAIL ADRESSES! THIS IS REALLY DANGEROUS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT CROOK YOU'VE JUST GIVEN INFORMATION TOO!

From: fredandgeorgeweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: RON!

Message: Why send a howler when you can type in capitals?

From: harrypotter

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: RON!

Message: Hey Ron, don't bother giving out your personal details. I'll tell you my uncle's personal details and you can give that to the people instead.

From: ronweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: What is an ATM pin code anyway?

Message: Yeah, mate, I'll give out your uncle's details. We should probably do Snape's as well. He's such a git. D'ya reckon he has an ATM pin code? Hermione, you know everything. Tell me!

From: hermionegranger

TO: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: What is an ATM pin come anyway?

Message: I am not telling you anything that could get us in trouble. I'm serious, Ron. Someone could have put a virus on that owl-mail or something. They could be out to steal your identity!

From: ginnyweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: What is an ATM pin come anyway?

Message: Hey Ron, ask Percy! He did Muggle studies! He'll tell us!

From: fredandgeorge

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: Re: What is an ATM pin come anyway?

Message: I wouldn't be so sure…..

From: ronweasly

To: percyweasly

Subject: What is an ATM pin code?

Message: Please can you tell me?

From: percyweasley

To: ronweasly

Subject: Re: What is an ATM pin code?

Message: I wouldn't even be replying to this if we weren't brothers, Ronald. What sort of question is that? No doubt, our crackpot father wants to know more about this so he can add another loophole to the law that allows him to enchant ATM machines. How did you get an owl-mail address, anyway? Seriously, Ronald, this is breaking more laws than I want to count! So can you please not attempt to bother me again unless it is really important! GOODBYE!

From: ronweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Hmmmm

Message: Someone has anger management problems.

From: DrFeelgood

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Did someone say 'Anger Management Problems?'

Message: Just log on to our website, put in all of your personal details and we will come to your house armed with straight jackets and padded rooms and take you to our clinic (in the process stealing a few thousand dollars). At the clinic you will be treated for Paranoia, depression, anger management and more, regardless of whether you actually have the disease! Please recommend us to all of your friends!

From: harrypotter

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: What is with the health scams thing?

Message: Let's put Mad-Eye Moody in the clinic. He is paranoid!

From: fredandgeorge

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: What is with the health scams thing?

Message: Nah, not Moody. He's cool. Put Snape in instead.

From: hermionegranger

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: What is with the health scams thing?

Message: Just thought I'd tell you, before you get into more trouble, Snape doesn't have a medical disorder.

From: ginnyweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: Re: What is with the health scams thing?

Message: He's a mean, slimy, annoying, favouring SLYTHERIN! That should count for something!

From: ronweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: What is with the health scams thing?

Message: Yeah! And, in the email, it specifically said they treat you for the disease 'regardless of whether you have it'!

From: severussnape

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Well, well, well. Look what we have here….

Message: Mr Potter, Mr Weasly, Mr Weasly, Mr Weasly, Miss Granger, Miss Weasly. When you're quite finished deciding whether I should go to a mental institution or not I believe there are a few thing I must do. First, 50 points EACH from Gryffindor. Next, a few cold, hard detentions. Finally, you are to NEVER SPEAK OF THIS TO ANYONE! Be glad I haven't expelled you. Good day.

From: ronweasly

To: OrderofPhoenix

Subject: Re: Well, well, well. Look what we have here….

Message: Oh dear.


End file.
